The last few days have found me succumbing to the remembrances of 2008. It was as I tell everyone the worst year of my entire life. It passed up 1984 the year my first love, my Daddy died and 1995 the year my mother died. 2008 was the end of my last vestige of innocence. No matter what, I had always believed in the inherent goodness of people. That ended last year when I found out that after 9 years with my husband, the last 2 being stressful with the impending end of our relationship was a total stranger. It wasn’t enough that he tried to ruin my reputation both personally and professionally. It wasn’t enough he broke my spirit, broke my heart. It wasn’t enough to watch the life I had unravel around me like a ball of yarn. 2008 was the year I learned my husband had been lying to me from the first day we met and continued to lie to me until June 25, 2008.
That was the day that I found out my husband was HIV positive and Hepatitis C positive and had been since the day we met. As I type these words as I read these words it still hurts. No actually it angers me that a person that professed love to me and undying devotion could do this to another. I won’t go into the whole sordid story at this time but a year later I reflect on the changes in me. Of course I have been tested and by God’s grace I am negative on both counts (How you ask? Well I will leave that for another time). I am now on my own and back into the dating pool and I must say it has changed and not for the better. However I have changed also and not all for the better. My edges are sharper. I am tougher. My softness is gone. I disbelieve. I know longer have faith in my judgment, so I am quick to think the worst. I am learning to lie more. My strength has always been my honesty with people but where did honesty get me but a life of lies? “I said what I meant and I meant what I said” and I thought that I attracted others that believed the same thing, my husband. I want to feel myself again. I don’t want to give this man who deserves nothing, everything. How do I learn to trust again? How do I believe again?
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Talk to LuuLuu
It would be your ex-husbands worst act if he was able to change you from who you are. Stand strong. Don’t let his deception color your judgment. There are good people, and great men in this world.
I write a blog to those men who want to be better and who want to love the women in their lives. Check it out. I think you will like it.
http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com
Thanks,
Wow! If I may offer any words of encouragement, it would be to hold onto the promises of Christ. We must believe and practice the power of forgiveness. Does that mean we’ll forget? Not at all, but we can’t allow the pain of the past control and steer us into the future from the backseat. I’m sure that you’ve grown and moved on since this post, but forgiveness is a process. *hugs* and much love from a total stranger
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‘When men fail you.” – You should never love anyone but God with all your heart, and all your mind and all of your soul. men and women will fail you and disappoint you and lie. Knowing this should make it easier to accept people’s faults as well as realize that you have faults also. There is no need to search for “the one” as God loves you always and will never fail you. When you feel lost and alone, remember, God loves you.