The reality of my life after June 25,2008 was sobering. I had to face a future that might have been cut short due to HIV. Face the future with scars that were instantaneous. My trust in another had been broken, never to return. My heart will never give that completely on faith again. It will have prerequisites and unfortunately a shell that will be hard to crack. The terror of that day is still a part of me. The day to day had to be accomplished but always in the back of my mind was a shame and fear of what could come. Because I had started a new job and my health insurance hadn’t kicked in I waited to be tested because if the worst I needed coverage without any pre-existing conditions that might deny payment. So I continued dealer school, passed all requirements, was hired and began work. The job was physically demanding and took a toll on me. It didn’t help that I was substitute teaching by day and working 10 hours at night 4 days a week at the casino. My feet were always swollen to the point that I had to elevate them everyday to bring it down just a little bit. I was tired, short of breath and experienced dizzy spells due to lack of sleep so I thought. To be honest I hadn’t had a physical in years. I like so many women had neglected my well being for my family, my children and of course my husband.
Getting tested was always on my mind but I delayed because I wasn’t able to face the possible results. Finally I was driving on a Thursday in October and finally made the call. I have to say that God took me by the hand and said “Enough” and saved me from myself. I called my Dr. for an appointment and they got me in that Saturday. That day I asked for my tests and explained my urgency to my Dr. She shook her head and wrote up the orders. Honestly at that moment I was more concerned with diabetes because I had quite a few symptoms. School was out that Monday so I was free and called the hospital to schedule tests. They told me to come in at 11am. I drove to the hospital and was stopped for an incomplete stop at a stop sign. My head was so filled with thoughts I barely noticed the stop sign. The policeman came back and told me my license was expired (I didn’t know) and he would have to take me in. My heart plummeted and I looked at him and began to cry. I explained to him I had to get to the hospital and get tested because of my situation. He looked sceptical at first but I showed him the order and my shaking convinced him. He told me to go. I didn’t think I could drive so I parked the car and walked the rest of the way. I took the tests I went to sleep and that evening I went to work. That day I got off early and left work at 1am. As I was leaving I checked my phone messages and heard an urgent message from my Dr. She told me to call her right away, no matter what time. I expected the worst, HIV. I almost didn’t call, thinking my status would not change whether I called her then or in the morning. Finally I stopped at the gas station and made the call. The service got me right to her and as I heard her voice before she could speak I blurted out “I am positive”. She paused and said no but my hemoglobin was low. I sighed and thought it is only anemia. I asked did she want me to go get some iron pills? She said no my count was 5 and I had to go immediately to the hospital. I was stunned. I called my best friend and told her what was going on and she went to the ER with me.
Once I made it to the ER things began to move rapidly around me. I gave my name and they began the process of admitting me and beginning blood transfusions. They explained to me that a normal person’s hemoglobin is at 11 or higher and I was dangerously low. All of my symptoms that I thought were diabetes was my body trying to keep me alive. It was pulling what little blood I had away from my extremities to keep the important organs functioning. I also craved ice and could eat huge amounts in a day. I was told that was also a major symptom. That morning my Dr came and explained to me that she had referred me to a hematologist to look over my case and she would be by later. I also had extrememly large fibroid tumors that needed to be addressed. This was news to me because I didn’t have the symptoms, extremely long and heavy menstrual cycles etc. My gyne had retired and would need to find a new one to deal with them soon. Finally I met my hematologist and she looked over my chart and ordered a scan of my spleen because it was enlarged and mentioned my platelets were low and my white cells were high. I had no idea the implication of her words. To add to the mix I was on my cycle. One pint of blood and I was given another. I was alone. I didn’t call anyone. The only people that knew I was in the hospital were my children, my husband ( I told him because I was supposed to be moving some things out of the house) and a handful of friends. I was trying to stay calm in the midst of chaos but when I stood up and blood gushed from me. I screamed. By the next day I had been given 3 pints of blood and was told I needed more because my hemoglobin was not increasing the way they thought it should. 2 more pints and once again the blood poured bright red and thin. Finally they decided to stop my period and gave me a shot to prevent it for the next 3 months. Finally the next day my hematologist came by and told me I needed to come to her office as soon as I was released. My Dr came and discharged me and I went to my best friend’s and called for an appointment. As I was calling I received a call from the hematologist office verifying I was coming in for a bone marrow biopsy. I began to worry I was missing something the sense of urgency bothered me.
The next day I approached her office and saw the sign Hematology/Oncology. Oncology, cancer what was going on? I was finally called in and the nurse asked me what I was there for, I told her and she was startled. I asked her why and she stated most don’t come in the first visit and have a bone marrow done. Before we began the procedure my hematologist explained my hemoglobin was so low I was at risk for a total shutdown my heart could have stopped. I was at risk for a stroke. Low platelets (a normal person has 150,000 I had 40,000) meant my blood could not clot and I could hemorrhage. I turned on my side and the procedure began. (A word on a bone marrow biopsy – your flesh may be numbed but the bone cannot) I breathed as the needle pushed through my flesh to my hip. I winced when I felt the needle begin to push in my bone. I held back the tears as I felt her pulling the marrow from bone. When the procedure was done, the next step was to visit the nurse and begin a treatment that hopefully would help my platelet issue. They took my blood for a current CBC and prepped me for an IV of pure iron. I sat in the recliner looked around at the other patients, felt the iron burn into my veins and the reality hit me. Cancer. I was being tested for cancer. The nurse brought me cheesecake and orange juice and I cried. She held my hand and told me I was going to be ok. I had a great Dr and I cried. I cried for my children. I cried for the life that I had taken for granted. I cried hoping I would be ok. I left with an IV shunt taped to my arm so I could do it all over again in the morning. I waited two weeks for the results and received 7 more iron treatments. The results I didn’t have leukemia as they feared. I do have blood disorders. The first is Chronic Anemia. My blood cells are too small and I have to produce twice what the average person does to maintain. I also have ITP I won’t go into the full name but my body without warning can attack itself which means my white blood cells will destroy my platelets and I am at risk of hemorrhaging. (After researching my condition I found out it is closely associated with Lupus and HIV. I believe that I am superwoman now. My body fought off my husband as hard as possible and left me with this disorder instead of the alternative.)The long term effects of my dangerous low levels gave me a heart murmur from my heart working so hard to keep me alive.
That was the first, a few months later the cancer scare began again. This time cervical, I chose to not risk it and had a hysterectomy. My doctor said that not only cancer had me at risk but my fibroids. They had grown out of my womb and were beginning to attach to other organs. If I hadn’t taken care of it then it could have been much worst.
I learned very valuable lessons during this time. I will never take my health for granted. I thank God for my life because he stepped in and carried me through when I needed His Love most. Finally HIV saved my life because without having the possibility of death thrown in my face I wouldn’t have the life I have now.