Facing Fear

Most people who meet me see this sassy, confident woman. I am dramatic, over the top and a narcissist through and through. It is safe to assume that I am the first ready to show my beauty to the world in film but that is not the case. I am horrible at taking pictures. I worry so much about how I look that most of the time I look a mess. Smile unnatural, fear in my eyes, pose out of whack I love the digital age because abominations can be deleted in the blink of the eye and let me say thousands of pictures have quickly left the memory card. I admit I am my own worst critic. I can look at a picture of myself and will zoom in on the wrinkle on my forehead which will have me lamenting on my need for Botox. If I find a picture I like I am shocked and amazed. Interestingly enough I am most at ease at my most provocative. Wig on, sexy lingerie or semi-nude I feel like I am playing a role, a part in a movie. I get in character and become a femme fatale but the regular me of natural hair, big hips and imperfections translates to a deer in the headlights in front of a camera. Saturday changed everything. I visited my friend photographer Lee Bey and spent an afternoon finding my beauty.
This day had been planned for weeks and as the day approached I became more nervous by the Friday before my nerves were fried. I was obsessing staring in the mirror trying to smile naturally, picking out shoes, clothes and underwear. The fear washed over me constantly and I masked with bravado.
Finally Saturday I brought all of my things to class including 7 pairs of shoes. I always feel better in a cute pair of shoes. LOL The 2 hours of teaching were done I had belly danced and hula hooped and now it was time for me to meet Lee. I lugged my bag and shook inside all the way downtown. I stopped at Starbucks because I needed something I would have preferred a couple of shots of vodka but settled on chai. Finally 5 minutes late I made my way in and hoped my fear didn’t show. It did. Here I was in a room with a man and a camera. The dreaded, hated camera, the foe that has defeated me so many times could I win this battle? As usual it was not looking good. As I stood up Lee looked at me and saw the fear in my eyes. However he was not the only one to see my fear, my nemesis did also. He was mocking me, taunting me to look him in the eye without terror. The first few moments were looking bad. Lee showed me myself and it was my normal look, hideous. I have to say he was awesome. He worked through my nervousness. We listened to music, talked and suddenly I didn’t fear the camera as much. I could look him straight in the eye and smile. I could be natural instead of a wooden figure. Soon I took my top off and really let go. The girls were perky, my smile was happy and my eyes sparkled. I felt free.
Two hours later it was over. I put my street clothes on, packed my things up and walked back into the real world. I faced the enemy and he was mine, at least for 120 minutes. So what is next? More pictures of course! I am now ready to strike a pose more often. I can’t wait for my next close-up. Thank you Lee Bey for showing me I can take a picture.

Go check his work out at http://www.leebey.com