I just woke up from a dream about my mother. In the dream we were talking like any other day. Toward the end of my dream I looked at my mother and said “Momma are you a ghost?” She said “Yes baby I am.” I asked her where does she go when I don’t see her. She looked at me, smiled and said ” I never leave. I am always with you.” The clearness of my dream and my mother’s words resonate in my heart. It is 15 years since my mother left this earth and today she spoke to me to remind me she has never left me. I have always felt her presence and her love has enveloped me during my darkest hours. So today my beautiful, sweet Sally reminded me that true love never dies. It lives forever. So today I will do what my mother would want I will open myself to love. 
Category: Notes From LuuLuu
After careful analysis I have determined that the Bitter Bitch is not a cult, a phenomenon, nor an anomaly. The Bitter Bitch is actually a religion, a style, a way of life. She lives in most women. The fortunate only have her as a temporary visitor that only visits at times of distress.
However there is a multitude of women that willingly host the Bitter Bitch. She sits on her shoulder whispering in her ear poisonous words that resounds throughout her being. She is in every heart beat and every breathe these sistahs take. They wake up and begin their day the Bitter Bitch way, with a grimace and a complaint. They end their day on a similar note and have a slumber filled with dreams of malice.
They see life as a battle to be fought hard and the winner is the woman who spits the most venom today. They hate being alone but when they do finally trick a man into a relationship. They spend their time belittling him and cackling with the other Bitter Bitches about what a pathetic excuse for a man, her man is.
Her face tells the tale. It is prematurely wrinkled from all the frowning. She breeds little Bitter Bitches and makes sure they are trained early on the ways of her tribe.
All Hail the Bitter Bitch she is a force to be reckoned. She can belittle a man in a single sentence while applying her lipstick. She strives to make everyone she meets remember the bitter wind that touched them. She roars.
I love the Bitter Bitch she makes my skin look more youthful by comparison. She makes my smile more memorable when I leave the room. The tribe have nothing but words of hate and I love each and every one.
So as you claim victory in life Bitter Bitch. Your heart is lonely. So at the end of the day. What have you really won?
This morning I awoke early & drove down LSD taking my mini-me to work. Reaching downtown I saw the runners gathering 4 the Chicago marathon. It made me think of dedication and the drive it takes to do something to completion. Runners train for 40 weeks for this one day, one moment. In particular Alan Robinson a former quadriplegic who is still partially paralyzed that has run the Chicago marathon since 2004. This man at one point could not move now runs 26 miles. He is able to dedicate weeks and hours of his life to reaching his goal. What are you dedicated to? Do you have what it takes to reach deep within to reach your goals? This morning take a few minutes and find something to dedicate yourself to. A cause, a way of thinking, a change in living. Do more than think, make plans, start today, don’t make excuses. Stop lightly treading through life. Step firmly with purpose and live fully.
My walking friends didn’t show this morning and instead of walking alone or going home to get a few more minutes of sleep. I turned faced the water and its beauty beckoned me. So I did what my heart demanded. I sat by the water listening to Rahsaan Patterson and Sergio Mendes & Brazil 66. I closed my eyes prayed and enjoyed the stillness. I did nothing but Be. I enjoyed the unexpected moment of quiet, of doing something for myself without agenda or plan. The warmth of the sun, the water lapping. So as I leave I thought of my friends. We are all so busy with days filled with plans, problems and stress. Life bombards us every day. I want you to take the moments for you. Sometimes they are planned but the best ones are unexpected, spontaneous. Enjoy those moments. Don’t move on to the next task in your grand plan of life. Rejuvenate if only for a few minutes. Your soul, your spirit needs it…LuuLuu
Most people who meet me see this sassy, confident woman. I am dramatic, over the top and a narcissist through and through. It is safe to assume that I am the first ready to show my beauty to the world in film but that is not the case. I am horrible at taking pictures. I worry so much about how I look that most of the time I look a mess. Smile unnatural, fear in my eyes, pose out of whack I love the digital age because abominations can be deleted in the blink of the eye and let me say thousands of pictures have quickly left the memory card. I admit I am my own worst critic. I can look at a picture of myself and will zoom in on the wrinkle on my forehead which will have me lamenting on my need for Botox. If I find a picture I like I am shocked and amazed. Interestingly enough I am most at ease at my most provocative. Wig on, sexy lingerie or semi-nude I feel like I am playing a role, a part in a movie. I get in character and become a femme fatale but the regular me of natural hair, big hips and imperfections translates to a deer in the headlights in front of a camera. Saturday changed everything. I visited my friend photographer Lee Bey and spent an afternoon finding my beauty.
This day had been planned for weeks and as the day approached I became more nervous by the Friday before my nerves were fried. I was obsessing staring in the mirror trying to smile naturally, picking out shoes, clothes and underwear. The fear washed over me constantly and I masked with bravado.
Finally Saturday I brought all of my things to class including 7 pairs of shoes. I always feel better in a cute pair of shoes. LOL The 2 hours of teaching were done I had belly danced and hula hooped and now it was time for me to meet Lee. I lugged my bag and shook inside all the way downtown. I stopped at Starbucks because I needed something I would have preferred a couple of shots of vodka but settled on chai. Finally 5 minutes late I made my way in and hoped my fear didn’t show. It did. Here I was in a room with a man and a camera. The dreaded, hated camera, the foe that has defeated me so many times could I win this battle? As usual it was not looking good. As I stood up Lee looked at me and saw the fear in my eyes. However he was not the only one to see my fear, my nemesis did also. He was mocking me, taunting me to look him in the eye without terror. The first few moments were looking bad. Lee showed me myself and it was my normal look, hideous. I have to say he was awesome. He worked through my nervousness. We listened to music, talked and suddenly I didn’t fear the camera as much. I could look him straight in the eye and smile. I could be natural instead of a wooden figure. Soon I took my top off and really let go. The girls were perky, my smile was happy and my eyes sparkled. I felt free.
Two hours later it was over. I put my street clothes on, packed my things up and walked back into the real world. I faced the enemy and he was mine, at least for 120 minutes. So what is next? More pictures of course! I am now ready to strike a pose more often. I can’t wait for my next close-up. Thank you Lee Bey for showing me I can take a picture.
Go check his work out at http://www.leebey.com
I am working hard to contain her but the BB is sneaky. She knows when it is time to lay back in the cut and when the time is ripe to whisper and plant seeds. The Bitter Bitch in me was angry when I declared I was done with her. She was pissed when I went on my cleanse and began to see a clarity of thought. She lost weight without my constant diet of negativity but she waited and she knew once I stopped saying no and began to allow men in my life that she would have her day again. She was so right. The men that approach lately have been so not worth my time. They expect a free and easy sexuality and to actually resist and want more is considered ludicrous. She laughed and her words began to pour on my head. I felt her power grow. A bitterness was creeping back in, happiness was annoying and sarcasm was de rigeur. I stopped. I looked at myself again and pulled back. I am modifying my diet. I can’t let this Bitter Bitch win this battle. I must cast her out for good. The issue is not the men but me. I have waited for a man that fulfills me to appear. Well guess what he hasn’t at least not now. I am pulling back and dating myself. I will take myself to the places of interest, not waiting for a date. If I see an activity I want to try, then try I will. A restaurant I want to experience, then a table for one is on the menu. I will not let my solitary life become lonely. It is only alone and alone can be glorious. I will open myself to the life I want and one day I know a man that is perfect for me will appear. Oh I will not search for him. I will live life without expectations. I will take the brush out of the bitter paint that the BB wants to paint it with, wash it off and dip into life in all its richness. Life that isn’t drab and gray with disappointment. Life that is bright and filled with pinks and oranges. The color of the rainbow because at the end of the day. My life is only what I make of it. The battle continues between me and this Bitter Bitch inside. It is tough but one day I will knock her bitter ass out!
The third day is over and I feel good. My food urges are abating and the challenges of the day were centered on the kittykatt that purrs inside.
The physical - I am feeling more secure in this new way of eating, not craving what I can’t have, actually feeling good that I don’t want meat, dairy or sugar. I have been getting my sweets the natural way. So here was the menu.
1 can of pineapples in pineapple juice $.70
2 bowls of black beans and lentils $1.00
2 bags of peanuts $.80
64 oz of water free
16 oz of orange juice $1.50
Total cost – $4.50
The emotional - The persuasion by the man continued in the am, trying to convince me that he was there for me. Insisting we should see each other. I refused. He finally tried the emotional side. That he needed me. Well in the end I refused explaining that sometimes to help others you must help yourself. That ended the conversation for now.
That was the easy part. The hard part came later that evening.
I was meeting some ladies to pick up a deposit for a belly dance party in April. They were late and as I waited my weakness came through the door. Not once but numerous times, chocolate brothers. As I sat there I watched them come in and say hello, some even greeted me like they knew me. I was in heaven or hell depending on the time and today was hell. I felt kittykatt beginning to wake up. She was stretching inside of me for her food. I felt myself looking at all the fine specimen of men and the purr was about to come out. I felt kittykatt want to work the room, smile coyly, my eyes started the slow blink and I looked for my prey. Kittykatt was about to win but I felt the stirring, the heat, the need to conquer and I let it go. I tamed my beast. I told her not today. We are not on the hunt. We are not going to add notches to our belt, not see who we can bring to us by a simple look. I held her at bay. I left and said thank you and good bye and never once let kittykatt out of her cage. I won.
The spiritual - Continued my readings of the Bible. Need to find my copy of “Women Who Run with the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes been a long time since I read and remember how deeply it affected me the first time.
Well on to the next day. This is a truly a one day at a time process and wonder what this day brings.
I think it is time to explain my drug of choice. A few have decide I am addicted to sex. That is not true. I pick and choose my lovers and not everyone gets to sample my treasure. My drug of choice has always been wielding the power of pleasure. My get off is knowing that I can charm men into doing what I want and need. My appetite is varied and so I have sometimes pushed men beyond their limits. I enjoyed making them want me. Please understand that sex was not always necessary. I have had men pay bills, send me flowers weekly because they enjoy talking to me. Because I listen and give what a man needs. I rub against their leg and purr in their ear just to watch them shiver. I stand with my hips to the side to call attention. A man looks my way and I pout my lips just a little to see if he looks. When a man gets close I dazzle him with my intellect letting him know I am not just a pretty package but a force to be reckoned with. My mother told me once that I have a natural gift for reading people and understanding them and she was right.
Between my time with my children’s father and my soon to be ex-husband was a time when I tested everything and everyone. Yes I admit there was a moment of curiosity about women. I wondered if I could wield my power the same over a woman and the answer is yes. What I found is that I love men. Women don’t do it for me. If I had no other choice I would make do but I love men. Especially tall, chocolate, handsome Black men that have a certain power of their own. My preference is usually a man in upper management or an entrepreneur is perfect. (oops I digressed) I found myself more involved with the game and lost sight of the men. If they didn’t dance to my tune. I stopped talking to them. I had no patience. If given a chance I would push a man to his limits make him admit to fetishes he didn’t know he had. I was so dominant that a man 20 years my senior couldn’t handle me and walked away after sending me presents from around the world. The things I did, the people I met a long the way could fill a book.
I say this to say that now as a single person again I feel the call of the pleasure pulling me again. I know that the kitty was sleep and now she is ready to awaken. I felt myself contemplating and planning the way I did in the past. This part of me if given free rein could be bad. Don’t get me wrong my kittykatt is not all bad. If the right person strokes her she will purr only for him. She will learn what he needs on all fronts to keep him happy. If he loves her with all of him. She will love and adore him completely. That is the kittykatt that I want to become not the panther of old that licked her lips and was ready to pounce and devour. Always looking for power within pleasure.
It is 7:30 in the evening and I have made it through the first day of my cleanse. How am I feeling? Pretty good actually.
Physical Cleanse - The beginning of the day had my head full of thoughts of chocolate and cheese, my biggest weaknesses. I decided to ride it out and not give in to temptation. It was a little rough when I made salmon and pesto pasta for my daughter. The smell of lemon, butter and garlic was tantalizing but all I did was smell. Even though my mouth was watering. I am proud of myself because in the past I would try and diet and would always figure out a way to justify cheating. A little nibble was considered okay but this time I toughed it out and feel great.
My food and drink for today and the cost.
3 – 2 0z bags of sunflower seeds $1.30
1 lb bag baby carrots $1.50
3 bananas $1.00
2 liters of water FREE
16 oz peach tea $1.60
Total cost: $5.40
Emotional Cleanse - As I begin this cleanse I am beginning to feel lighter. I have been downloading music to enjoy during this time including the New Sade Soldier of Love and old music I love. (Please feel free to send me any suggestions for my playlist.) I feel good about the coming days. It is time to find clarity in my life again. To be honest I feel purpose again and even though I have been filled with a business purpose. This is personal and more important for my survival. So I will begin to take stock of the person I am and the people I surround myself with and make decisions on what I need to keep, change or discard altogether.
Spiritual Cleanse – I read the Bible today and prayed first thing in the morning. I have gotten out of this habit of thanking God for allowing me another day on this earth. My goal is to make my spirit stronger and not because it is expected but because I truly feel and want to bathe in the Spirit.
First day done. 30 more to go. I tingle with anticipation with this evolution I am beginning.
I watched the movie Rent today. Okay not really I watched the first 5 minutes twice when the cast sings “Seasons of Love”. Of course on a day like today I heard the words in my heart and really felt them. I heard more than the beauty of the singers. I felt the power of the words. It is a simple thought but very rarely done. I know personally I have not measured my life in love recently. I have measured it in pain, in tears, in disappointment. All creating an unhealthy life for me. It is not enough to make it through hard times but to let go of the bad and move forward with good. It is not enough to handle stress but to let it go. So now I will from this day forward measure the love in my life. I will appreciate the friends I have. I will let bad times be just that a time, a moment not a overwhelming crushing defeat. I will become nimble in life. A lightness on my toes that allows me when I fall to spring back on my feet with style and drive to keep moving.
“Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes, how do you measure, measure a year?”
