I am sitting on the Armitage El stop on my way back from my date. Tonight I visited The Poison Cup and sipped wine with myself. It was the first time I have ever done this alone. My partner in crime was “The Demon” and this like so many things became a casualty in the demise of my marriage. Wine tasting brings back memories of happier times that right now I don’t want to remember.
However the grape has been calling my name and finally I answered. So I threw on jeans, t-shirt and my favorite cashmere hoodie and decided that it is time to face wine alone. I admit I am a social person and need the company of another but I must stop letting my singledom and memories stop me from doing something I love. So I faced the grape. It was scary I must admit. Opening the door and viewing couples and friends laughing and enjoying themselves. While I stood alone. The only small spot of color in a sea of pale. (Not saying I am the darkest sistah) I remembered past tastings where I had the support of my husband. The only other person of color but at least we had each other, but not this time. So I went to the first table with glass in hand and sampled a delightful Sparkling. I savored the lightness and felt the thrill again. Next stop Table 2 and the Pinot Noir was my favorite. Table 3 was a bounty of Spanish wines from Rose to Rioja to Tempanillo. I dreamed of Barcelona and plates filled with paella. Finally back to Table 1 to end the night on a simple Red with blueberry notes and an earthy Malbec. I talked to the wine reps and learned a few things while nibbling prosciutto and Carr’s Water crackers.
I left the wine tasting the same way I came, by myself. I wasn’t the life of the party but a quiet visitor. I was alone but not lonely. So now I sit on this platform listening to One Note Samba by Sergio Mendes just fine. I can’t wait till my next date.
Category: The Perils of LuuLuu – Dating, relationships in the 21st Century
As I teeter into this new realm of dating myself, every time I plan a time for myself something happens to delay. Finally out of the blue I had a date with myself and just like the person I am it was last minute, spur of the moment and a great time.
My date was on Sunday July 25 but the beginning was the past Thursday when I met my new bestie Iccha Devi Ra – The Reluctant Vegetarian. I was chilling at the office (my local Starbucks LOL) when this glamourous sistah sat at the table where I was working. Well I did my usual and gave her HipQuake info and then we struck up a conversation and began talking about our respective businesses. Well long story short she invited me to a brunch on Sunday at the Back Story Cafe.
Sunday rolled around and as usual I was up early to Fitness Walk and was excited because 2 more ladies joined us. After 2 hours of intense walking and work out I was exhausted. I sat down and did my usual, fell asleep. I slumbered and relaxed. Suddenly I awoke looked at the time and instead of doing the usual being lazy, I hopped in the shower and got dressed. My spirit wanted to go out. So I put on my “go to” gray halter dress and espadrilles and went to visit my friend Iccha Devi Ra. After a slight turn around I found my way to the Back Story Cafe. It was almost over and it was my first time going to eat by myself. I was a little tentative but I wound up meeting a FB friend finally and sharing a table with a new FB friend. The atmosphere was wonderful and the food was scrumptious. I enjoyed sauteed spinach with mushrooms, the most heavenly smoked gouda cheese grits, black-eyed pea cakes and a few bites of apple and gorgonzola tart while sipping cucumber-limeade. It was a glorious afternoon.
My first step was just enough. No pressure just an afternoon looking pretty for me and only me and letting the afternoon be exactly what it wanted to be. I am so excited about the next date.
I have faced the dating frontier and I have found it barren. I do not speak from a place of bitterness but of truthfulness at least for me. The men that approach me have not been filled with the flavor I need from a man. My restless nature and adventurous spirit longs for a man with a fertile imagination and an urban sensibility that can supply his knowledge base to take me on adventures not of my own creation. A lightness of spirit that doesn’t take life or relationships too seriously and will let our time be whatever it will be without expectations or reservations. A passionate nature that lives life trying new things, open to the world around him with a side of impulsiveness that keeps me on my toes. Anyhow, anywho I won’t go on but suffice to say I have not met this man, yet. Does he exist? I hope so but in the mean time what is a girl to do with herself? Should I wallow in self pity lamenting the lack of good male company? Should I sit in the house not experiencing life because I don’t have a companion to share these moments? Not this girl! No way! I will not let life pass me by not one minute more. I will do what I do best. I will leap like I always do. Stop thinking as a couple and think like the single person I am and love it. I admit I am a social person love to talk, to have a person that gets me but all of the sudden it is clear. Who gets me more than me? HELLO, GOODBYE! (two snaps to the wind)
So now I will date Me. Let’s face it. I am fascinating LOL. So from this day forward I will have fabulous dates with myself. I will take myself exactly where I want to go, see the things I want to, do the things I have always wanted to and revisit things I miss. At this point in my life I don’t long to visit the hottest clubs drinking my nights away while sweating and dancing. I did that in my late teens and twenties and I did it well. The things I want to do usually end at a decent hour and for a more mature crowd. Galleries, theatres, wine tastings, festivals and a plethora of other events which I will visit on my own and will live the life I crave. I will not attend these events with an eye out for a man but for the joy of the experience. Embracing moments for what they should be; a snapshot that will never come again. As time and funds become more available my adventures will reach other cities, states and countries. I am getting excited at the prospect of this time. Time to start making plans for my first date with a vivacious, alluring, seductive companion I hope I don’t disappoint. Oh wait a minute that won’t happen because no one knows this person better than ME! LMAO
Here’s to cork popping, wine sipping, cheese tasting, gallery visiting, adventure having good times.
I think it is time to explain my drug of choice. A few have decide I am addicted to sex. That is not true. I pick and choose my lovers and not everyone gets to sample my treasure. My drug of choice has always been wielding the power of pleasure. My get off is knowing that I can charm men into doing what I want and need. My appetite is varied and so I have sometimes pushed men beyond their limits. I enjoyed making them want me. Please understand that sex was not always necessary. I have had men pay bills, send me flowers weekly because they enjoy talking to me. Because I listen and give what a man needs. I rub against their leg and purr in their ear just to watch them shiver. I stand with my hips to the side to call attention. A man looks my way and I pout my lips just a little to see if he looks. When a man gets close I dazzle him with my intellect letting him know I am not just a pretty package but a force to be reckoned with. My mother told me once that I have a natural gift for reading people and understanding them and she was right.
Between my time with my children’s father and my soon to be ex-husband was a time when I tested everything and everyone. Yes I admit there was a moment of curiosity about women. I wondered if I could wield my power the same over a woman and the answer is yes. What I found is that I love men. Women don’t do it for me. If I had no other choice I would make do but I love men. Especially tall, chocolate, handsome Black men that have a certain power of their own. My preference is usually a man in upper management or an entrepreneur is perfect. (oops I digressed) I found myself more involved with the game and lost sight of the men. If they didn’t dance to my tune. I stopped talking to them. I had no patience. If given a chance I would push a man to his limits make him admit to fetishes he didn’t know he had. I was so dominant that a man 20 years my senior couldn’t handle me and walked away after sending me presents from around the world. The things I did, the people I met a long the way could fill a book.
I say this to say that now as a single person again I feel the call of the pleasure pulling me again. I know that the kitty was sleep and now she is ready to awaken. I felt myself contemplating and planning the way I did in the past. This part of me if given free rein could be bad. Don’t get me wrong my kittykatt is not all bad. If the right person strokes her she will purr only for him. She will learn what he needs on all fronts to keep him happy. If he loves her with all of him. She will love and adore him completely. That is the kittykatt that I want to become not the panther of old that licked her lips and was ready to pounce and devour. Always looking for power within pleasure.
It is Valentine’s Day weekend and I sit here in my house watching a movie alone. I do not buy into the Valentine’s Day hoopla. I expect to be loved by my lover every day not just a day designated on the calendar. However I do find myself contemplating love today. 42 and single finds me trolling the dating scene and wondering where does love fit in, in my life. Oh I have the love of family, friends and even my sweet Nightmare (my Akita) but love of another which makes my heart beat faster, that makes me walk with a secret smile is illusive. As I meet people and listen to others in my age group that either have stayed single all these years or are the newly single I am learning that love has a language at this age. It speaks of personal happiness, of income statements, of busy schedules. I am learning about the Logic of Love and even though I understand the evolution of this state of mind. I don’t know if I am ready to give into it. It is jaded and loses the magic of Love.
The pursuit of happiness is laudable. Life should be filled with joy but so many because of past hurts and bad relationships now use this as an excuse to pull into a shell like a turtle. We plod along in life expounding on our personal pursuit of happiness above all else. We no longer need another to brighten our day. We are strong. We don’t need anyone. We claim to want another but do we really? Happiness is a place that should be shared. That multiplies exponentially when passed on. I look at all these people that speak of their personal happiness and I see loneliness. I see people that are so scared to live that they would rather fool themselves into believing that they are reaching a higher place of personal understanding. I do not profess that a person should not be comfortable with themselves, to learn to love and find comfort in their own person. However when this pursuit supersedes the spontaneity of Love allowing yourself to be open to possibility than that happiness will become tarnished rapidly.
If I hear one more person discussing how busy their life is and it is hard to schedule time for meeting new people. I will scream. No you don’t need to be at every speed dating or singles night to find true love but when you meet someone and feel a connection. Pursue it. Don’t use the schedule excuse to mask your fear. Yes I said it, fear of being hurt, and fear of things not working out, fear of wasting your time. Life should have flexibility. Schedules are not set in stone. Pursue your heart.
I cannot give into the Logic of Love. I will still leap into Love with both of my feet. I will remember my past mistakes but not let them define Love for me. I will give a little to possibly get a lot.
2010 is days away and I approach it with a renewed sense of purpose and faith. The darkness of 2008 is gone. The fog of 2009 is soon to be a memory. I feel the brightness of a New Year awakening inside of me. My heart is thawing. My soul craves for company. I am slowly but surely crawling out of the shell I needed to survive. I have looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. The mirror never lies and it showed a face of bitterness and pain. It showed me that I was holding on to the past. I was basing my life on one man and his actions. I was painting everyone with a broad stroke of distaste and cynicism. I have been exactly what I have joked about in other women. I have become a Bitter Bitch (BB).
You know who I am talking about; we all know one or a tribe. I say a tribe because Bitter Bitches usually travel in packs. They go to parties and sit together and when a man approaches one of the tribe; they look him up and down and dismiss him. Woe to the man that is brave enough to enter the forbidden zone. After they have shown their disdain and sent him on his way. They turn to each other and discuss what was wrong with him. How they could tell he wasn’t about anything etc. etc. ad nauseum. They lament on how there are no good men out there. They rant about past men and their shortcomings and failings. They predict the worst and get exactly what they ask for. The new face of this tribe exists on social networks. I have seen this phenomenon on Facebook. A question is put out in reference to relationships and the BBs pounce. You read comment after comment on how men have wronged them, what is wrong with men in general. The interesting thing is usually they never address the question at hand but a snowball of discontent becomes an avalanche of unhappiness. The men stay silent because they are smart enough to know not to get in the fray because the BBs will skin them alive. Reading post after post made me realize that I had become a BB.
My BB status was a little more subtle. I have never been one to travel in packs. I have always said that when going out it is better to go with one maybe two girls because too many slits spoil the fun. It creates a wall that keeps men away and being a consummate flirt I thrive on the attention of men. The BB had become a little voice in my head. She was the girl sitting on my shoulder, swinging her legs, chewing her gum, looking at the world around her and whispering words of poison in my ear. The couple that were holding hands and smiling at each other with affection, instead of rejoicing in their happiness; the BB would whisper in my ear “Please that is all BS. I give it 6 months and they will be at each other’s throats”. If a man approaches me with interest, the BB foretells falsehoods and regret in the future. A smile from the opposite sex became a leer. Every man became suspect. Every woman in love a fool, the BB had taken residence and was happy.
I now realize what I have become and the sight is not pretty. My face blanches in horror at the bitterness that has filled me. The sparkle of Louise “LuuLuu” “Tweet” Caillouet must return. I must return to the person that believed the glass was half full. I must find the easy smile that was my trademark, the flirtatious nature that was my calling card. Goodbye Bitter Bitch your time with me is up.
In my recent return to the single state of living, I laughingly refer to my dog Nightmare as my boyfriend. He is the only male around that gives me what I need continually.
When I come home he is happy to see me.
He loves me with all of his dog heart.
He is quick to anger but as quickly gets over it.
He senses when I am down and comes to comfort me.
He will protect me with his life.
I must admit as he gives to me so freely I am learning from him also. His easy love is helping to thaw my heart. As I open up to him I examine what I need to give of myself going forward.
When I come home he is happy to see me: I must learn to give that openly to another. Open myself to that happy feeling again. His day is not complete without his connection to me. When I smile at him, it brings out the joy in him. I want to feel the smile in my heart for another as easily as he does for me.
He loves me with all of his dog heart: I must stop analyzing and over thinking but let instincts take over. Nightmare loves me because he senses my love and knows it in his heart. He doesn’t question it. When I feel that overpowering love again I must listen to my heart and give it a chance, not to my head that is filled with past hurts, remembered slights and petty injustices.
He is quick to anger but gets over it just as easily: There are times when I become angry at the little things. I must learn from him to let it go just like he does, to walk away, to breathe, to sit by myself and come back with a clear head. Ready to continue living without anger gnawing away at my insides. The only person I am hurting is myself anyway.
He senses when I am down and comforts me: He always knows my moods and when I am at my lowest he is right beside me, trying to fix what is wrong. I must understand that depth of awareness. Recently my daughter let Nightmare out in the back instead of walking him. I was asleep when she let him in and unlike his usual pattern of coming in and laying down. He came to me and wanted my attention, I yelled at him and he laid down next to me and waited. When I woke up he was still there and I looked down and saw blood. He had cut his paw and was bleeding profusely and needed my attention. I jumped up and took care of my dog, my friend but he had sat and suffered waiting for me to see what he needed. That taught me a valuable lesson. I knew that this was not his usual pattern and was irritated because I was tired. I didn’t take the time to find out what he needed. I must always remember to look for subtle signs and be aware of my love’s needs. Sometimes they cannot voice their troubles but I must be ready with comfort without question and love without agenda.
He will protect me with his life: I walk Nightmare very early in the morning and late at night because his instinct is to protect. If anyone comes to close or speaks to me, he is ready to protect me without question, without fear for his own safety. I understand that depth of feeling because as a mother I have that for my children. I would slay a dragon for my children without thought of my own personal safety. Can I find that protective feeling for another again? The knowledge that I am there for them, that I will always have their back in the midst of the fray?
So as I sit here and write and Nightmare sits next to me, lending his support. I find my heart becoming ready to love again. My fear lessening, releasing into the ether with every stroke I give his massive head. My spirit opening up to the possibility of a new life. My ice melting like the snow in Springtime.
Copyright Louise Caillouet December 2009
“Louise,
Make amends with someone from your past if you want to truly move on. You may not want any more confrontation, but it’s unavoidable. There is something, or someone, holding you back.”
This was today’s horoscope. Over the past few months it has been a recurring theme. I must forgive to move forward with that in mind I text my husband a note.
Today I sit and know that I have to forgive you. Whether you get it or not, your deception of never telling me your status was wrong. You didn’t have the right to make that choice for me and your denial the times I asked you just compounded the situation when it finally came to light. You have left me with scars I don’t deserve and a heart that is filled with ice. Please do not do to another what you have done to me. They may not be as forgiving and do what God’s grace stopped me from doing. I hope that life finds you well. And I forgive you.
I did it. I wrote the words. I sent them into the wind. My heart flutters and I can barely breathe.No matter what, I must take this step. I must release this anger. It is not healthy. It makes my stomach clench. I must make these words my mantra. I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you. They must become real and have a life of their own. They must imbue my essence. Bond with my spirit. Become more than mere words but a certainty. I must feel the Divine in me and walk in His Majesty. Will he do the right thing? It is not my concern. I can hope and pray but at the end of the day, I have to take care of me.
As I approach the dating frontier after many years of being in a relationship, I have been faced with new challenges, expectations and even an occasional demand from members of the opposite sex. I have been awed by the audacity and after watching things and talking to my sisters have found that this is the norm. I now find myself to the point of giving up, not giving in but giving up and finding a place of contentment within myself without a partner. So before I throw in the towel I thought I would just give the men some points to ponder.
As it is said we women are complex on so many levels but actually very simple at the end of the day. We may be high maintenance when you meet us. Weekly hair appointments, monthly spa dates and a shoe addiction that we need therapy for but with the right partner we will struggle and struggle happily. We will give up our hair appointments and find a friend to slap some relaxer in our hair and blow dry and style our self. Spa dates turn into a rented movie and some jerk chicken with our Boo. Instead of 10 pairs of shoes we will settle for 2 and only on clearance. Of course to get all of this out of us we need a man that is worthy of our sacrifice, our support and our strength. With that being said here are the needs according to LuuLuu of a woman.
We need to be cherished. The feeling that to you, our man, we are the most special in his eyes. That he would move a mountain for us. When we walk in a room you are proud to be with us and no woman is better than the one on your arm.
We need your support. Black women are strong enough to raise a nation but when we come home we need you there with open arms to enfold us and remind us that we are gentle. You and only you can make us a purr like a kitten. Make us forget what we face in the outside world. Remember our lives are just as important. Our dreams are just as significant.
We need your strength. We are looking for you to be the man in the house. So many of you complain that we try to wear the pants. Actually we prefer skirts and dresses but when the pants are sitting in the closet gathering dust. We finally reach in, shake them off and put them on and at that point we are angry because you are not fulfilling the promise we see in you.
We need your understanding. We are different. We cry. Our feelings can be hurt sometimes very easily. Sometimes the little things upset us. As our partner make an effort to understand what makes us tick as an individual. We only ask for the effort.
Most of all we need your love. True love not fairy tale love. We need to feel the love you have resonate from your smile when you see us to the hands that touch us. The power of your love for us will allow us the freedom to release the love that is within us. A woman in love is a powerful arsenal in your armor against the world.
This is the fundamentals, a primer. There is more to your woman than this, that is your job not mine to figure out but I promise if you handle these 5 things well. The rest will work itself out.
As I rehash in my mind the life I had with, as they say in the Harry Potter books, “he who will not be named” I must admit for a time, a very long time I was happy. Happy in love. Happy with life. Sadly, happy in my ignorance. I spent 9 years living with my husband and and for 7 years to be honest were very happy. My happiness was such that everyone around me saw my happiness and was happy for me. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had been miserable. He taught me many things about relationships and many stay with me because he was right. Oh in the end he proved to be filled with deceit but in the beginning he gave me exactly what I wanted and needed.
The Good – My husband gave me a simple worship that made me feel special every day. I never felt unattractive in his presence. He always made me feel sexy and beautiful and I was secure in our relationship. He believed in my dreams. Any scheme or plan I had he supported because he respected my intellect. He never tried to change me. He accepted me for the person I was. He taught me so many things along the way. He taught me to watch what I say. Before him I would say exactly what I thought but he helped me see that not everything needs to be said. (hmm looking back I guess that was how he justified his deception) Sometimes when people ask for advice, all they really want is an ear to listen without judgment. He taught me that love does not have to be filled with possession. You can love another and still respect them enough to give them the freedom they need.
The Bad – Of course I will not go into the level of deceit my husband practiced for years, to this day I still do not understand it. The bad was bad and ugly on so many levels. He taught me that people do not always practice what they preach. He made me see the error of my ways of speaking without thinking but the first knife was a careless comment that snowballed into an avalanche of words. As we lost the love he felt the need to say some of the meanest things imaginable to hurt me and I must admit he was successful. He showed me what the words of the New Edition song “Can You Stand the Rain” was truly about. My husband was loving and caring until crisis hit. Crisis brought out the mean vindictive man that lurked beneath the surface. I had seen glimpses of this person but never thought he would turn him on me. I learned that as completely as my heart was breaking that didn’t mean he felt my pain. That empathy is not a given but a bonus. I found out that at the end of the day the game is not fair. While I tried to salvage something, wanting us if we had to part, to part as friends. My husband was making it his business to ruin me from the financial to my reputation to even my career. (He took my resume and created one off of my work experience for his as he called her “future wife”.) It wasn’t enough he had broke my heart, he needed to break me in all sense of the word.
In retrospect the first seven years of that life taught me what I need to be happy and hopefully how to make another happy. I know that in order for a relationship to be strong it needs to have people that truly care about each other and gets the other to survive. It takes laughter and commonality but it also needs separation. The ability to let your partner have interests outside of you, to have friends and activities that are not centered on the duality but the single. It will make for a richer life for the both. I know I need the romance of a man that wants me happy and I in turn will do anything to see him smile.
The last two years are the weight that I bear today. I no longer trust completely. I have no faith in my judgment when it comes to men so I shy away from any form of intimacy. Sometimes I feel the anger wash over me like a shower. It blurs my vision and can take my breath away. Sometimes I look at my future and feel sadness and the tears fill my eyes with thoughts of maybe I am better off alone.
As I type these words I feel the truth in them at this moment. My hope and prayer is that the day will come when I can release this sorrow finally and get on with the business of truly living. I can return to Me, a Me of butterflies and laughter and softness. I want the brittle to go away. I want the ice I feel to melt.
copyright Louise Caillouet November 2009
