It has been almost 30 years since my father, Red left me. The intensity of my loss is like waves in the ocean now. Most of the time they are small like the waves on the horizon line, barely perceptible but still present. However when my loss comes to shore and crashes on to my sandy beach to fill my heart with sadness. What helps me get through these times is a little story of my father’s love for me.
My father started smoking cigarettes at 9 years old during the Depression. He said you could buy 2 for a nickel, growing up I remember my Daddy’s red pack of Winstons always near him. He smoked for 40 years but one day when I was 9 years old I looked at my father and he wasn’t smoking. It dawned on me I hadn’t seen him smoke for a few days. I looked at him and asked “Daddy where are your cigarettes?” He looked at me and said “I don’t smoke cigarettes anymore.” I asked him why and his answer was this: I went to the doctor and after my check-up he asked how old his youngest child was I told him 9. The doctor said if you want to see her turn 10 you have to stop smoking now. So I threw my cigarettes in the garbage.
My Daddy never smoked another cigarette. He lived 7 more years for me. From that day to this it is the most powerful act of love that was done for me. True love doesn’t have to be shouted to the world. It can be a small gesture that stays with you forever.
Category: Thoughts on Life
I just woke up from a dream about my mother. In the dream we were talking like any other day. Toward the end of my dream I looked at my mother and said “Momma are you a ghost?” She said “Yes baby I am.” I asked her where does she go when I don’t see her. She looked at me, smiled and said ” I never leave. I am always with you.” The clearness of my dream and my mother’s words resonate in my heart. It is 15 years since my mother left this earth and today she spoke to me to remind me she has never left me. I have always felt her presence and her love has enveloped me during my darkest hours. So today my beautiful, sweet Sally reminded me that true love never dies. It lives forever. So today I will do what my mother would want I will open myself to love. 
Tomorrow I have the greatest pleasure to attend my cousins Cheri and Lucy’s 25th anniversary and civil union. I am happy that finally the law will recognize their union of decades. We live in a world that buttonholes, passes judgment and hates in the name of love and religion. I become tired just reading the words of hate that assault us daily. So tomorrow I will dance, laugh and rejoice for my cousins and when I hug my cousin Lucy like I have countless times. I will whisper in her ear “You have always been my cousin. We never needed a law for that.” Sent from Catch Notes for Android https://catch.com
Last Saturday night our studio hosted a party and on faith hired a dj, DJ Tyson. The end of the night he asked for the food that was about to be thrown out. He was insistent about us not throwing it away. It was a little pushy but he explained he takes it and feeds homeless people when he leaves a party. After finding out his intention I felt small and silly with my assumptions. I spoke with him a few days later and learned his plan is to serve dinner every Sunday. He calls it Team Homeless and is collecting food for the meals. My heart said help and before I knew it I had offered our studio for the food drop off and meal prep site.
Tonight is the first night and ladies came and filled over 40 dinners. He asked would I help pass them out and so now I find my Sunday night driving around downtown searching for people to feed. As we found the 1st bunch and stopped the car I came face to face with the true face of the homeless. It is humbling. There but for the grace of God go I.
They have created homes out of cardboard and the things we discard carelessly. The mere fact that we are giving them a meal let’s them know that somebody cares. There thank you is genuine. As he stops the car jumping out and passing plates wherever he senses hunger I see the looks of the people with their noses turned up working to not see what is right in front of them. Is that the face I give normally? Do I turn my eyes in the hopes that they will disappear?
So tonight I see the underbelly of Chicago and my eyes are truly open. I feel the power of my mother. Who lived to help others. I understand the need in her to help. I am closer to her right now than any day I spent in her physical presence. This is only the beginning Momma I understand your life now.
I woke up to the usual routine, dragging some clothes on to be dragged by Nightmare down the street on his morning walk. Our walk has changed from our years in the suburbs in the park. A walk that was filled with deer spottings, wild flowers growing and birds singing. Our walk now consists of navigating glass filled sidewalks, vacant lots filled with weeds and at night avoiding the dope boys plying their trade. It is focused and fast. It is all about the purpose.
It is just another chore on my daily schedule to get out of the way as I move to the next.
This morning as the drizzle began to fall and my steps began to hurry, I looked up and was dazzled. There was a perfect rainbow in the sky. I stopped walking and all I could do is smile. Nightmare was confused and pulled to keep walking but I stood firm and mesmerized. It was beautiful. All I wanted to do is enjoy the beauty of the rainbow.
As I walked and glanced at my rainbow because I know that rainbow was all for me. LOL It made me think about the simple act of looking up. If I had done what I usually do, head down surveying the sidewalk, thinking about all the things I have to do today I would have missed my rainbow. I wouldn’t have witnessed the simple beauty that God greeted this morning with and instead of my day starting with my heart and step a little lighter. It would have been a good day but not a glorious one.
So as you go through your day just trying to make it to the next moment, look up. Your rainbow awaits.
Today I just found out a young man I taught off and on throughout high school was shot and killed a year ago. He would be the same age as my daughter. He was a sweet and respectful boy who always talked to me of his plans for the future. His future is over in another episode of senseless violence that surrounds us daily. I am tired of hearing friends speaking of the death of our young. Even as we speak and the days heat up I feel myself readying myself to hear of random acts of violence. I fear for the children because their lives are being snuffed out like flames in the wind. It makes me resolve to do more. Marches don’t change what is happening. We march. They shoot. So what can we do? We can protect. We can open our doors. We can open our eyes. Become a refuge. Talk to our youth even if they don’t want to listen. Make your home a safe haven. Help not only yours but others. So today I will put a sign out and open the doors of HipQuake to the young girls in our neighborhood. We will teach them to dance. We will teach them to love themselves and others. We will help them see that the answer is not violence but love. We will ask nothing but give what we have. Please make a change the survival of our children depends on it…LuuLuu
Today The Demon called me. For a moment I was incredulous at the gall to dial my number. He spoke of our divorce and how he wanted to be sure we were no longer married. His reason is that his health is deteriorating and does not want me saddled with his bills. 2 years, a year ago white hot anger would have engulfed me. Today all I felt was sadness for him. This man I loved with all my heart and at one point hated with all my being is probably dying. The fate he didn’t want is probably facing him., illness by himself. Do I applaud because of the lies and hurt I felt brought on by him and the icy fear that filled me during the dark days of my HIV scare? Do I let it roll off my back like water without an ounce of concern?
At the end of the day I was my Mother’s child and I felt his pain and felt sorrow for the life we had and lost. I hope he makes it through with someone to hold his hand. No one deserves to be alone. ..LuuLuu
Writing on the Fly…LuuLuu
Today we’re mandated to be thankful, to spend time with loved ones, eat till we can’t breathe and prepare to go on a spending frenzy tomorrow. So spend time truly give thanks for your life but I ask you to do more than be thankful.
Be giving. Begin to live a life that encompasses more than taking. Find time to give of yourself freely and without agenda.
Be gentle. Don’t let life harden your heart nor your spirit.
Be grateful. Nothing is owed. Nothing is promised.
Be prepared. You cannot be your best without a plan. When opportunity knocks be ready to seize it.
Be open. Stop living a life filled with what you won’t do and start living a life of what you will try.
Be loving. Stop making reasons why you cannot love and start loving with all of your being.
Have a wonderful today, tomorrow and forever. Happy Thanksgiving… LuuLuu
If you only measure your life based on the trials that you have faced and lost you are not alive. You are more than sadness, despair, defeat.
You are sun filled days spent with friends. You are kisses from a child filled with love. You are nights enfolded in your lover’s arms.
Let the bitter pills of life be swallowed fast and become nothing more then medicine. That heals a wound and becomes a source of strength.
Let the sweetness linger on your palate to be savored like deep dark chocolate. It’s richness reminding you how truly wonderful life is. Don’t dwell on sadness. Be joyous. Welcome life with open arms…LuuLuu
